Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Never Say Never

Making the world a little cuter, one baby at a time. That's what we do! Here we go with little lovely number FOUR!!!

My intuition kicked in on Super Bowl Sunday. I mean, this is my 5th pregnancy and I kind of know whats up when all that happens. I wasn't able to get on board with any of the delicious party food and I couldn't even drink my wine. That's really when I knew something was up. I had the funny feeling and the where with all to take a pregnancy test, but when that tiny little faint line showed up, I chalked it up to one of those rare false positives. So dumb Amber. I even told my friend about it...I can't believe she didn't fill me in on my denial.

A few days later when things weren't getting better, that faint little line popped up in my head. I think this is what Oprah calls and "ah ha moment" and I sent Mike to the store right away at 9:30 pm. There was another little line! Now I don't think people get 2 false positives in a row...but we needed to make sure we didn't get yet another box of faulty tests. So naturally, we both decided that Mike should take the other one so we could compare one to the other one who is most definitely not pregnant =D Well, his was completely blank, but Mike wasn't convinced. I sent him back to the store around 10:00 pm to get the digital one with WORDS. It came back negative. 

Mike took a big sigh of relief and proceeded to blabber through his adrenaline crash about how he's checking into the vasectomy clinic tomorrow and that I should get started on that paper work. I believe his exact words were, "I mean, that would be really cool if you were, but could you imagine? Now that you're not, I've really realized that we gotta get on that appointment". I told him to bite his tongue because that test would read "pregnant" in the morning when I hadn't been guzzling gallons water to make myself pee. I was up all night with excitement. He slept like a pun intended. Then sure enough, first thing in the morning I asked him if he wanted to take anything he said last night back because...
He broke out into hysterical laughter and was immediately back on board :) However that night, I'm pretty sure he was the one up all night with anticipation and I'm the one who slept soundly with a happy heart knowing that the odds of this were slim, yet there it was. I felt so blessed that this was happening again. Over the course of the next few weeks, we spent a stupid amount of money just to really make sure this was happening because WE COULDN'T BELIEVE IT!!! We enjoyed watching that little line get darker and those weeks to go up as further confirmation that we weren't the first people in the world to get 50 false positives in a row ;)

We had come to the conclusion that a 4th would be a little insane, but awesome at the same time. I believe I even bawled my eyes out on the series finale of Parenthood (pregnant but didn't know yet) begging Mike for my own Braverman clan which would just require ooone mooore!!! in which he replied, "by the way your acting...are you sure you're not pregnant now?!?" Oh the irony. We wanted it but there was never a good time to go for it. I don't think there ever would be with all the fun and insanity that the 3 already bring. There was room in our hearts for it and we constantly toyed with the idea, but never could decide to make it happen on purpose. I believe "courage" is what we were lacking :)  I mean, in the midst of busy days, loads of laundry, ear infections, random sleepless nights, parties and play dates galore, school functions and constant shoe purchases for 3 children with endlessly growing feet do you ever think, "I think we're ready to add another!". We never quite let it go and talked about it a lot, but had decided that we were content and we would stop. Well, in my grieving the end of that stage of my life, I tried to help the process along by embracing it selling all of our baby stuff as Milo outgrew it.  Jokes on me. I realize now that I wasn't mourning the end of that era...I was indeed longing and God was keeping that space open in my heart for the next little one he had plans for. We said it would just have to happen, and it did. Thank you Jesus.

So if you fear TMI you can stop reading now. But when I'm telling what a surprise this baby was, you should know that I was taking the pill, breast-feeding AND hadn't had my cycle return since I conceived Milo. This is why it's so unbelievable and why I'm so thankful. The odds really weren't in my favor for it to "just happen" like I desperately wanted. So in the midst of my denial, I've really appreciated these curious and weird moments of clarity. In addition to the Parenthood episode...Ella and Luca have both asked me separately if I'm pregnant. They both are all of the sudden begging for a baby. I think that is so cool and so bizarre at the same time. Luca asked me when I'm going to have his baby sister on the day before we found out. Ella was pleading with Mike when I was in Arkansas making her case for why we need one more baby and why it should be a girl. I've told them both that even if we did have another baby, there are no guarantees we would have a girl! When I got home from Arkansas, she asked me again if I was SURE I wasn't pregnant. Ha! A man pulled me aside at church the Sunday after we found out and told me, "I always like to tell couples to have just one more". Another woman pulled me aside and told me I was radiant and just glowing. These little moments were all confirmation to me that this baby really is here when I just couldn't believe it.

I also declared this "the year of me" at the New Year. I made some little resolutions and decided it was time to focus on myself a little more. I've revised my list below...

  • bust it at the gym...go for daily walks
  • 24 day challenge and whatever necessary to feel good 
  • spend more money on myself a mini-van and replace baby gear I got rid of
  • freshen up my wardrobe...replace my maternity clothes

Oh the irony. But I have to admit, I'm pretty stoked...

11 weeks

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