on friday we went to the doctor, excited and relieved for a couple reasons. 1, it marked the beginning of our 2nd trimester, past the "worry if you'll just miscarry" stage. 2, this also means you will start to physically feel better and have more energy. as of that morning, in our minds, the hard part was over. we were expecting to find out whether our baby was a boy or a girl. instead we found out our baby was an angel baby.
as worried as a was and as much as i analyzed everything the entire way through my first trimester, i truly did not believe anything was wrong. we saw our baby alive, we saw and heard the "perfect" little heartbeat. i was growing, having all of the normal pregnancy symptoms, no bleeding, no cramping...flawless. i am a worrier by nature, especially when it comes to my babies, so it's hard for me to decipher between intuition and worry when it comes to pregnancy, ella, luca, and our angel baby. 99% of the time, it always turns out to be worry. so i chose to trust my body and all of the "perfect" checkups we had.
i'll never forget the way it went down. we were driving...making our last minute predictions. we all thought it was a girl. i was planning out my speech to convince mike to let me do a little shopping to pick out a little something special depending on whether it was blue or pink.
we got there. the nurse came in to get us started and said she would just play and look around for us before the doctor got there. she turned the machine on and there was our baby. it looked just like a baby, but it was just laying there with it's back towards us, no moving, and no pulsating flashes on the screen for a heartbeat. she took a couple measurements, told us the doctor would be right in, and
my body was hanging on to the baby, so we had to have a d&c scheduled for monday. we later learned why, but up until yesterday, i felt so betrayed by my body for not telling me what it is supposed to. i was not ok with the fact that after 6 weeks and a heartbeat is detected, our chances of miscarrying were less than 10% and ours died at 9 1/2. the fact that it "just happens" and we could have more is of NO consolation to me. THIS IS MY BABY AND I WANT THIS BABY. i never realized how deeply i loved our babies from the very first moment, during pregnancy, even in the first trimester...until i had to let go of one. it doesn't feel "sad" like i always thought it would feel if god forbid it every happened. i feel like i lost a child that i knew and loved and it's more like devastating. i saw ella and luca at that very same week and through them, i know good and well what that beautiful soul was supposed to be.
i have had so many wonderful and supportive friends who have been here daily. some of them have gone through similar things themselves. and they all have justified what i feel and the ones that have been through it have been able to verbalize exactly what i can't describe yet. that is so refreshing. you will just never know unless you are forced into this terrible club. my mother in law sent me this verse that i've read 1,000 times, but never from this new perspective of mine...
"for you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. i praise you for i am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, i know that full and well. my frame was not hidden from you when i was made in the secret place. when i was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." this verse means that even in the womb, our baby had a life, a soul, and a place in heaven no matter how long it lived. and we will meet it some day. i feel the need to defend our angel baby just in case someone doesn't realize this---it was a child, it was alive, it had a soul, and we love it just the same, and it will always be our child. it was here and now it's in heaven. it IS a big deal to us and i'm afraid our child will be "minimalized" just because it never got to be born. i don't know why this frightens me so, maybe it's normal. we have 3 children. two here with us, and one angel baby in heaven.
when you miscarry unexpectedly at home, it's happening. it's not any better, but it's happening. friday we received news, and my surgery wasn't until monday, we were stuck in the moment for 3 days, not being able to say it happened and look ahead. it happened, but it wasn't finished. and we had a surgery to face. while morning our loss, we were also dealing with anger about having to have the surgery. it just seems so vulgar and unnatural. not to mention, i had to sit around knowing i was only getting to carry it for only a couple more days and then knowing it wouldn't be pregnant with it anymore. dead or alive, no one wants to feel like someone is taking their baby away from them. that is what i feel like. i wanted so badly for it to just happen naturally in the privacy of my own home. i prayed all weekend for that. knowing what i know now (we'll share more about that later) i'm SO glad that prayer wasn't answered. would have been very dangerous. then i personally was dealing with fear of the surgery. for every control freak like me out there, i would bet to say not having control over going to sleep or waking up is enough to send shivers down your spine. i have serious anxiety issues about this and i walked around all weekend stuck in the fact that our baby died, also looking at my other two precious children wondering how much time i had left with them! it's ok to chuckle. i too knew this to be a little ridiculous, but it didn't make the fear any better. i do have to say, if i'm going to look for the positives, my drug induced high was quite refreshing. i know it was a false sense of happiness, but i didn't feel anything, and it was nice :) now the surgery is done. now it is "finished". it happened. there's nothing else to face. it can't possibly get any worse than those agonizing days. as crappy as i feel about all this and as bad as today has been, i compare it to yesterday and it could never be worse than that. perspective. so now that we can say it is officially over which means we are just now getting to focus of grieving alone, physical healing, and then eventually emotional healing.
can i just say i have never been more in love with ella and luca. i've always been absolutely nuts over them...obviously. but i have a new appreciation, or maybe a new found respect and admiration, for what was given to me! i have sunshine on every cloudy day. my home is noisy with baby laughs and cries and ella bossing everyone around. i have diapers to change, spit up to clean up, booties to wipe, 1000 loads of laundry a week to do, an empty bank account spent solely on childcare and ever growing shoes and clothes, a messy house full of crumbs to vacuum and toys to clean up. never realized what a blessing that was.
i am not ignorant of the fact that i can have safe and healthy pregnancies and babies. i can make them, i can carry them, i can birth them. i'm very thankful for that. but it doesn't take away the loss that we are mourning. it doesn't make this loss any better. have i said how much i want this baby? not A baby, THIS baby. i'm so thankful to have ella and luca who is still a baby himself to love on until we welcome our next little lovely. more than anything, i'm thankful that mike is MY husband. he has been nothing short of amazing and he is hurting too. sharing this loss together has deeply impacted, strengthened, and oddly blessed our relationship and marriage. we are both blown away at how many people have reached out to us and just seem to care. it helps so much to know that there are people that share this with us and we feel very justified in our feelings and what we are experiencing. we have a journey ahead but i know it will get better. we will have some more answers in the near future. we are not defeated, but are a little shell shocked and stunned. i'm looking forward to dreaming and planning for more happy times ahead, but for now, we are just sad and heart broken. so we will deal with that first.